work crushes

this is so stupid and rant-y but i deadass have no one else in my life i can talk to about this. it's not even a love story its more like a you-wish story

i developed this stupid proximity crush on my coworker like a few months ago and it's now completely messing with my head. i can't even go on reddit bc he's on reddit bc hes a chud

ok. so he and i met at work (obviously) like almost a year ago. when i first saw him i thought he was cute, and then i found out he was dating a girl there and i shut that shit down so fast. he and i had maybe two conversations and i'm gonna be honest i kinda forgot he was there. during this time, my close friend who also worked with us was getting really close with his girlfriend. so i would hear about him and his girlfriend sometimes through her but at the time i genuinely didn't care.

then, winter break rolled around and i left for like a month to go back home, during this time i find out through my friend that they broke up. i was like oo work tea but i didn't rlly gaf. that was until, his (now) ex gf was telling my friend how awful their relationship was and how awful he was to her, and my friend is telling me about all this so now we hate him with her. she quits before i come back, so when i get back it's just him.

over the winter break i kinda started a bit a smoking habit (sue me), and im not legally allowed to buy cigarettes at my age in my country, and he smoked my favorite brand. so yeah i maybe kissed ass a little for some free cigs (sue me x2), and i didn't really care if i was using him for cigs because i thought he was this big asshole (sue me x3)

and then right before i leave for a week for spring break, we exchange instagrams. and he sends me stupid reels and stuff and we talk a lot more often outside of work. not like crazy long deep conversations just like a meme every other day or wtvr. he would slide up on my story sometimes. i never really initiated anything bc i still lowk thought he was evil and i was sorta just entertaining it for cigs (sue me x5)

during this time where im getting these cigs, my friends getting closer to his ex girlfriend and is kinda realizing this girl is kind of a horrible person. like she was confessing to my friend all the awful things she actually did to him during their relationship that she didn't tell anyone. and she's lowkey being a bad friend to my friend as well. and my friend is basically filling me in on all this stuff. it got to the point where we questioned what she told us was true. at this point he and i have gotten a bit closer, and established this smoke break during/after work ritual where we'll split a cig and chat about work and i got to know him better than i wanted to. and i was struggling to amend this version i knew of him and hated to this person i was talking to like every weekend. so one day i literally just ask him if he did all that stuff, and he denies it and tells me about all the crazy shit she did while they were dating.

instinctually, i always take the girl's side in things (sue me x6), but atp even my friend (who barely knew him) was like oh yeah this girl's crazy that poor guy. so after i kinda confronted him abt all the rumors i kinda let the whole "i hate this guy he's evil" wall down a bit.

so we talk a lot more often. like. every day kinda often. we start having longer convos but like its still just mostly stupid memes and responding to whatever the other person posted recently. so we essentially kinda talk everyday either online or at work. mistake. stupid. stupid mistake. stupid proximity crush. i start developing some feelings. stupid stupid stupid. i was never gonna act on them though because i thought it was just the kinda crush you develop at work cause you're bored and i couldn't imagine him ever feeling even remotely the same.

this goes on for like a month or two? (im losing the timeline) and atp we've hung out outside of work only like twice. one time when he came to this community service thing i was hosting at my school and then that other time him and i went drunk bowling with two of our other coworkers. mistake. stupid mistake.

the night we go drunk bowling we were all lowk drunk (no way) and he kinda lets it slip he has a thing for a girl. we're all like who because we're nosy and starved for anything remotely entertaining and he's all tightlipped so we know it's a girl at work. i want to make it so clear i did not think this girl was me. i genuinely didn't believe he felt anything past platonic for me, and even if at this point my feelings for him did kinda establish themselves more i didn't wanna ruin this coworker friendship. anyways the night goes on and we end up at this house party and he and i are talking about minecraft stones of all things. i asked him if i were a stone what i'd be, i said smth stupd like redstone cause of his hair and i expected him to say something dumb back bc we poke fun of eachother, but he was like quartz. and i was like quartz? and he was like yeah, it's classy and pretty and i was just like oh.

later on in the night me and my friend were talking about having crushes and i kinda just say oh having a crush you're not supposed to have a crush on is the worst (i was talking about him bc truly who the fuck willingly crushes on a coworker) and he butts in and is like what do you mean? and im like none of ur business

at the end of the night i tell him to text me when hes home and he ends up in this family emergency and telling me about it and we sorta open up to eachother about our families and stuff. it was just kinda genuine, and is the point where i considered us to actually be friends rather than coworkers who hung out.

anyways the next day we're at work and im bugging im abt this crush thing. like i was hounding him i wanted to know so bad. i still at this point truly did not believe it was me im just nosy. and also i figured if i knew i'd get over him a lot easier. but he will not tell me. like he keeps dodging the question or putting the time off. eventually he's like i'll tell u after work bc atp we're still doing the whole cigarette during work ritual. but he does mention that it doesn't matter because "she probably doesn't feel the same"

so we get to the end of work and he's just like mm it's kinda no one and i called bs so fast. but i kinda drop it and we get onto the general topic of crushes and he's just like. "oh yeah i had a crush on you at some point. i had a crush on everyone at work haha" (aaaaaaaaaaaaaa) and im like "haha no way i had a thing for you when we first met but you had a gf haha", and because i can't get my foot out of my mouth, im like "i had a thing for you when we met, but you had a gf so i dropped it and then i thought u were a horrible person and was using you for cigarettes (he knew by the way i told him i was using him he weirdly didnt care), but then you weren't horrible, so it's weird." and he was like "weird?" and i was just like, "yeah. weird" (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

and then right when we're about to go inside i call him out on his bs im like there is a girl isnt there and hes like yeah so im like please tell me and he's like okay i'll tell you tomorrow. let's go on the rooftop (of our workplace). this is kinda important bc it was like my last shift before i left for 4 months for the summer. and i was like ok. at this point my delusional brain is starting to question well what if its me. but i was like probably not but we'll find out trmw

next day rolls around and the shift passes and we're at the rooftop and im like, well, who is it. and he's just like nobody. so i dropped it. if he didn't wanna tell me ultimately i'll live and it's fine. we ended up there for hours just talking about everything. like about our families and interests and our futures and work. and he mentions how he's pretty sure how one of our coworkers has a crush on him and im like lmao and i make a joke or something. it's not that i didn't believe him i lowk did i just didn't feel any kind of jealously because despite how disgustingly mushy i have been through this post i still didn't even consider us dating an option.

we end up talking more when we get home on instagram about the same stuff. the last time i see him i go out to eat at the resturant we work at (bc i get half off and its cheap) the day before i move back home for the summer. and we just both happened to be wearing rings that day and we exchanged them as like keepsakes and we make some loose plans for him to come visit me in the city during the summer. regular friend stuff.

i come home and the first week back i was lowk tweaking because i was like damn wait what if i fumbled what if i was the girl. like what if i blew it.

and then. get this.

literally like two weeks later he pops out with a girl. its the coworker he mentioned at the rooftop. who had a crush on him.

okokokokok. and thats fine. i genuinely liked the girl and it wasnt like he and i were ever gonna be anything anyways so i really was happy for him as a friend. the feelins were kinda conflicting im not gonna lie, but i really was rooting for them. unfortunetly they didn't have the best dynamic. she was sort of abusive and was struggling a lot mentally and he had this sort of savior complex for her where he wanted to help. i don't say that in a he had it coming kinda way, it was just the dynamic they had and i hate what she did to him.

i tell him to leave, but he's insistent on staying and i'd rather be a supportive friend than have him shut me out and isolate himself so i keep quiet. he and i are talking way less now. like from everyday to like once every few dates. i stop initating because im busy and im aware of the fact that i still have some slight lingering feelings and i wanna respect the relationship. at this point it's been a little over a month since the rooftop. atp im seeing other people and ive mostly moved on. like 98.5%

last night he texts me. he lowk texted me in the afternoon and i never responded bc i was busy so texts again me at like 3 am to tell me they broke up. i call him and we end up on the phone for 4 hours.

and it was so stupid. i was so stupid. he and i talk about the relationship for a bit. and we sorta start talking about everything else and catching up because despite us still talking pretty often they weren't like real conversations. just memes or wtvr. and we end up on the topic of crushes. and i tell him how im really dense and can't ever really tell when someone likes me and hes like yeah i know i liked you for months and told you and you still didnt get it and i was like what.

because yeah he told me but he told me in like a "oh i like everyone it's nothing" kinda way. and he was like yea well i said that because i didn't wanna make it awkward. (what) so i ask him straight up why he never asked me out. and he told me because i was so focused on school and club and my future that he didn't wanna drag me down, also because i was inexperienced in love and he didn't wanna mess it up for me. i told him that was stupid and that he needs therapy. and then im like. you could've asked me out y'know. and he's like oh. and im like i thought you were gonna ask me out on the rooftop and he said he was, but ended up chickening out. and im like no you could've and he's like should i kms and im like yeah

i asked him if he liked me at that point whyd he start dating our coworker like immediatly after and he said it was because she was making advacnes on him and after i left he figured that was it and he should see where this goes. and then we just. moved on. i was like ok do you wanna hear me eat some carrots and hes like yeah. like he just acknlowedeged we had feelings for eachother at the same time and now im doing vegetable asmr (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

atp i dont know. like. im confused. this was another one of those nights where he and i just talked for hours and hours about everything. and now i know that he did have a thing for me and im confused. like im literally supposed to go out on a first date with this other guy this weekend and im here fucking confused. i was so close. i was close to being normal about him how could i let this happen.

we ended the call closer i think. like. i told him i was someone he can call whenever he needs someone to vent to and we made very loose plans for him to visit me in the city im in right now (different from the loose plans we made for the other city for him to visit me over the summer. long story but basically im in two cities over these 4 months and we have plans for both) i dont know what to do but sitting on this is kinda killing me right now. like this went from unrequited stupid work crush to requited but not anymore i guess stupid work crush. which is so much worse. i dont even know if im asking for advice. no ones gonna read this crazy word vomit anyways i truly just had to get it all out.

like i keep replaying these moments in my head. this next part you don't have to read it's really just me freaking out about him a little.

1. the one time at that house party we were talking and this guy approached him and he completely code switched. like went full frat bro. after the interaction im just like wow guys are so weird and he kinda looks down at me and is like it's some guy lingo. its not real. i dont even know why i liked that. like it (aaaaaaaaaa) made me (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) flutter kinda (ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww)

2. at work he started doing this thing where he'll carry things for me. like one of my tasks is haulig these big ass empty bins around and its a real pain because theyre about half my height. and he started this thing where as im emptying these bins he'll sorta wordlessly take them out of my hands and haul them around for me. like doesnt ask just does it. (yuck) (ew) (ugghhhghghgg)

3. that night in the party i put this cap on and as a joke was like howw do i look bc it was a stupid hat and he was just like. you look good. i hate to inflate your ego but you look pretty. and i was like. oh.

4. at the party i drew on his arm and signed his bicep (sue me x7)

5. he does this thing at work where if someones on their phone he'll be all nosy and peer over to see what theyre doing. on that phone call i was like you probably did it to me the most (as a joke) and he was like honestly yeah. i was like oh

6. he doesnt even smoke. like our entire smoking half way thru he just quit. like he only smoked when we would smoke at work together. i literally didn't know until the phone call i feel awful

7. over the phone he was telling me this story about how he ended up in this conversation with our other two coworkers and they were all going arounf listing the prettiest girls at work. when i asked who he said he went dead silent and i was like do you wanna move on and he was just like yeah please

8. ok theres these two girls at work who are undeniably beautiful. like objectively so they are gorgeous. this is me being objective im not trying to be self deprecating or jealous these women are so freaking pretty and im saying that as a woman and girl kisser. whenever i mention how pretty these girls are he's like ehh not my type. which is impossible by the way like i wish i could include photos seriously they're so pretty. and when i was like bullshit you're lying he was like theyr'e not my type. like who is ur type then??????????? ????????????????? get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. there's this anime we both watch. (side tangent we basically have this agreement where if i watch his favorite anime for him he'll buy me a pack of these rlly nice expensive cigs for each season) and we were talking abt it and he told me i was this one character (my fav character btw). and he's this other character (his fav character ig) and then we talked about how these two characters are like. in love. like he brings it up all the time. these conversation points didn't happen consecutively this is just my insane delusional brain piecing it together.

no ones gonna read this, which im completley fine with this is horribly embarrasing and i hope everyone who comes across it is like ewugh wtf is she talking about and scrolls pass.